You wake up one day and realize you're too late to be a success anymore. All the choice that had to made are already made. Its done. All you can do is live with it.

I am..

Realized why this blog never became a part of my life. Like almost everything I've ever done, it was not a about me but about what I wanted to be. Spent most of the last 24 years trying to be the what I thought I should be. Not what I am.

I used to think I was unique. The first thing age teaches you is that you're not. 3 years on, wonder if I've finally managed to stop treating myself as a reflection. So here's to a new start. For me.

I am the one who loves music without being the musician.

I am the one who loves beauty without being beautiful.

I am the one who is mediocre and trying hard not to be.

I am the one who reads, but never writes.

I am the one who tries hard to be effortless.

I have been feeling pretty lost lately. Like I'm running on autopilot. I do this when I need to turn off my feelings, but usually they catch up with me and pretty quick.I guess i'm not the strong silent types i always aspired to be. The strong and the silent are both adjectives that i've come to realize don't in the least apply to me.

Lost is perhaps one of the most frightening words in the English language.I've been feeling 'lost' lately, in transition, and uncertain of my direction in life, a feeling as if I am standing on a microcosm of the earth's land plates, with my left foot on one and my right foot on another, not quite sure if they will move together or split apart.

Every relationship develops at its own pace--don't fast forward to being "soul mates" or "best friends forever" just because things feel great. We cherish the novelty of it all, and the excitement of having something new, because it'll never be new again. Part of the reason we get disproportionately excited sometimes is because we tend to "idealize" a person in the very beginning. When you first meet someone who you have a connection with, it's so easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your friendship or relationship might be, but with those fantasies come high expectations, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! We need to remind ourselves that this new person is human, which means they're not perfect.

Remembering this game of Lost and Found is like realizing that neither can occur without the other, each is a required part of the game. Like Hide and Seek, one person hides so the other can find them. Both parts are crucial for the game to continue. No side is more important than the other. It's All Good.

i’d like to think that i’m a pretty laid-back guy who’ll take things in his stride when unpleasant things appear, but when i get really really angry (which i haven’t been for a pretty long time), i kinda scare myself. i guess the bottled up anger needs to go somewhere after all. but this’ve got me thinking… why do people always say “don’t get so worked up” or “don’t be angry” like it’s a bad thing? i mean, there are many reasons why anger is a positive emotion.

for example you get angry because you’re passionate about something. you get angry because you want to stand up for yourself and also because you aren’t a pushover. you get angry because you want to defend your beliefs and your rights. and most important of all, you get angry because you care, especially if you’re angry at somebody for doing something foolish or acting like they don’t know any better.

also i don’t believe in holding back on anger for the sake of diplomacy cos i think you shouldn’t hold back for propriety’s sake, or just because you’re afraid you might offend somebody. you obviously wouldn’t say something blatantly derogotary (which in that case becomes a low-down insult, and that’s despicable) or untrue for the sake of hurting somebody’s feelings, but some anger is needed to get things on the right track. furthermore bottling up the tiny bits of annoyance and dissatisfaction will one day become a show of oscar-worthy drama when you snap and explode in someone’s face. that wouldn’t do, wouldn’t it! so we should all relieve the load on our chest once in a while and make our opinions clear.

however, wrath, one of the seven cardinal sins in the Christian faith, is probably the emotion that causes the most destruction in any life that it manifests in. It often appears in forms of abuse afflicted on others, whether verbal, physical or otherwise. technically, i wouldn’t call it a sin because i personally don’t believe that pride, sloth etc. are bad things. sure, they’re evil if you take them to the extreme but they’re just a normal part of life when experienced in moderation. you might go on a holy journey a la Siddhartha [buddha for the uneducated hyderabadis] and be enlightened and purged of all sin, but then again, when you’re at that point in life you’re just not human anymore. those 7 things make us more human because if you aren’t human you can’t feel emotion, so i guess in a way my anger make me appreciate the fact that i’m alive even more. i guess if i were a ghost, a dead man or some ephemeral being i wouldn’t be able to feel at all, let alone be angry!

the point is: it’s okay to be angry but not okay to be overly angry at small things. as much as we might get irritated at the small things people do, especially friends, but we should keep that kind of petty anger in check lest we lose friends due to our egos (cos ultimately being angry is all about the ego and being in control). as much as we might get all self-righteous and use anger as an excuse for some higher cause, the bottom line is that too much of one thing, expecially somethin

Testing my knowledge.

The wonderful people of my university are currently in the process of testing my knowledge with a bunch of tests on subjects so outdated they've lost all relevance. What astounds me is that a group of people with collectively a million degrees between them cant come up with different questions to for a subject over a period of 3 or 4 years. Is it really that tough to come up with new questions? I realize its hypocritical to complain considering it allows me to study for one night, spend the day before exams writing shit on a blog no one reads and still pass but if this is the encapsulation of my college education, it leaves a bitter aftertaste. What is the point of studying when you know that at the end of the day the person who checks my paper probably knows less than me and marks me depending on whether his wife cooked him a good breakfast or not [i.e. arbitrarily]. I've watched the cynic-isation of most of the people i know here, starting with the smartest. An education which makes you lose faith is probably worse than no education at all. In their defense, it ensures that anyone can become an engineer. But isn't that killing the whole point? I think its the difference between communism and capitalism. Remove the fear of failing and you remove the motivation to succeed.
I will regard the 4 years i spent here as a sacrifice to the altar of all that epitomizes what not to do with your life. That's the only education they gave me.

Rohan Shrugged.

Ann Rynd. According to some, one of the greatest writer of our century. As it happens, i include myself in that number [The some, not the writers]. You go through life with this small voice in the back of your head that says you're not doing anything with life. I think the worst possible indication of a fruitless day is when you go to sleep at the end of the day and you lie awake in bed waiting for sleep. That's why childhood is said to be the best part of your life i guess. Immediate sleep. Anyways, its that whole feeling of pointlessness [ compounded with our wonderful education system which leaves us with a fulfilled feeling] that she tries to fight. If you haven't read any of her books, the basic concept is that the only way to live is to what you're passionate about. The problem I've had with implementing this is to find what to be passionate about . I know people whose life is music, sports, even writing. The only thing I'm passionate about is money [yes, yes. I'm madu] , both how to make it and spend it. I do engineering without the slightest interest and now i plan to do an MBA without the slightest motivation except they're the easiest paths to making money. Wonder sometimes if this really the best way to spend the currency of my time.
What happens if you cant find something to be passionate about in your entire life? Is that why people make up by finding a someone.
Maybe that's what all relationships are. A desire to matter.

Let there be light.

They say all god had to do create us , with the us being as in we and not the United States as much as they consider themselves to be the finest of His creations, was to wave his hand and there we were. Kind of anti-climatic if you ask me. He created a million different breeds of ass kissers [the "vehemently" religious] and ungrateful bastards [ Agnostics trying to be relevant by showing His irrelevance] without bothering to think about the billion others who don't want to listen to their crap. Personally i think religion is overrated. Now the Greeks got it right with the Aphrodite temples, naked goddesses, gods chasing woman, woman chasing woman, etc but everything after that has been basically an attempt by the incompetent and unsuccessful to do the one thing that they unfortunately excel at - creating a "moral" society so that Everyone is as frustrated as them. This way even if they lose, no one else wins. Before i go off this tangent which dignifies those idiots with my rantings, i'll get back to the reason i bought up the whole let there be light thing. What he did with the wave of a hand, i did with a click of a mouse. Let there be a blog i say.
Other people can finally listen in to the voices in my head.